Friday, December 14, 2012

What Not To Say

There are just things you don't way to people going through certain things...and maybe they don't know not to say it etc. So may this serve as a PSA of sorts.

What Not to Say to Someone Who Has or Is Experiencing a Miscarriage

1. What happened?
This is the #1 thing already haunting the person - "what did I do or not do that would of caused this??" and of course the very first thing out of the doctors mouth is "do not torment yourself with what you did or did not do...nothing you did or did not do could have prevented this, etc - it just happens...a genetic or chromosomal defect maybe but nothing you did" - there is no way of knowing what happened. And much of the emotional damage is from that very question already haunting every thought - was it because I didn't slow down enough, rest enough, because I drank too much pineapple juice, or forgot to take my prenatal?....please do not ask that question. It is the worst. It hurts. Because we don't know what happened, the doctor doesn't know what just happened....just do not ask that. Please. I have already had at least three people ask me that...

2. It didn't hurt did it?
Because the baby was so small...(holds up hands to indicate how big baby would have been at 6-7 weeks) Not a nice visual for a person going through it thanks...and yes it does hurt - physically, emotionally, mentally....anguish.I shouldn't have to tell you that or anyone that - to relive or account for how I felt physically during one of the most heartbreaking times in my life. Yes this did happen to me...f.o.r r.e.a.l.

2. It was all meant to be./God's plan./Etc
While it is the truth and I am sure God does have a plan for me, and my little ones here and in heaven, but the timing of it all - just hurts - and you are already running so many things through your head subconsciously that it is near torment - and to think that the pain is a part of God's plan can make you a little resentful at first...because we will never know the extent of God's plan while we are here on earth...we will never know why.....and that hurts as there is no closure...seemingly no reason.

4. How far along were you?
I know people want to know the story - and I want people to know - but this question makes me feel as if it doesn't matter as much - like the story is less painful if it happened earlier rather than later. It just left a bad taste in my mouth and hurt my heart...I was 7 weeks. But that doesn't make it any less painful or stressful. I still lost a child. My soul still aches at the loss.


TMC said...

I honestly don't know what to say but I'd hope I have the sense not to say any of these. All I can say is I'm sorry and understand you're hurting.

Rosemarie said...

Stacy, I am so sorry. I had 3 miscarriages before having our son and I know that it is so painful. Hugs to you both.